I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
People in love make me want to vomit
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
