There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
