Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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