Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
