Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
