I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
