i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
