I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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