how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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