I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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