I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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