I faked an abortion last night.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
