Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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