She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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