i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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