sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize