I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
