I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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