he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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