you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
