I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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