I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Girls should come with a carfax report
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
