ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize