Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
