Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
