Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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