I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
3 2 1 whiskey
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
