Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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