she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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