i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
