I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
