ugly people sure do ruin things
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
