you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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