My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
