i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
