So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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