guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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