It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
the raccoons are back...
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