I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
