Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Randomize
