I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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