Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
