just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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