No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize