The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
