what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
