you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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