the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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