just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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