Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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