I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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