Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
