then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
