Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
try to milk me bitch
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
