I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
This is classic penis vs brain.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
