i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
