i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
