I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
