I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
