I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
